When you like to drink your coffee, being told not to use it for the upcoming 24 hours, it is a challenge for me. I really have to be aware not to follow my normal routine, on an automatic pilot. And it’s not just coffee, tea isn’t allowed either. So to pick my drinks today and tomorrow is an eyeopener as well for me. I know this, because you take something for granted until it is not available anymore. Now 24 hours isn’t such a long period of time to sustain from coffee and tea. The reason why I have to sustain is of an other matter. I find myself in a position of some sorts that feels like in between two realities. Going in for a heart research scan tomorrow, it brings up other challenges as well. (more…)
So today is a day of checking the emotions and fears as well. Like drinking coffee before I go to sleep is not working for me, because it will keep me awake. Caffeine is a bit of a drug, which also assist the painkillers I use to take. So I have to change them as well, just the ones without the caffeine. A lot has to do with the way it effects my physical system on the essence of caffeine. More adrenaline and hyper sensation if I drink to much coffee for instance. So for now no caffeine in order to be in a good shape to get my scan. Which is also triggering my sense of claustrophobia. Not a big fan of small spaces and the sensation of being closed in, not able to get out. Triggering old fears and causing panic attacks.
So these past days already are making me more stressed, and uneased. Even knowing nothing will happen, the way I can handle it with my breathing. A panic attack is a wave of emotion and fear, hard to handle and difficult as well, because it feels like it’s out of my control. Knowing is something else as being able to handle this deep fear that rises in circumstances where it is being triggered. Old emotional fear, even though I know where it comes from and I can dive in deep within the experience where it has its root cause. Still there is this physical and emotional reaction to be dealt with in many circumstances. So sitting here, behind my laptop without my coffee mug, I am trying to find my way in this.
So lack of coffee, being deprived so to speak also brings up this challenge of getting out of my normal routine, my structure, my way of going with the energy and to let it flow. Time to work on my inner balance to find that place within my self where it is calm and peaceful. Yet, work, might not be the right approach actually. I know allowing this sensation of apprehension is a better way in order to not get increased any further. Not using my coffee is actually a help and it will bring the stress factor within my body down already. This I know from the years I didn’t drink coffee and tea at all because of the caffeine. Was working against the homeopathic medicine I was using at the time. So go figure, the caffeine is an essence that is preventing the healing through the homeopathic medicine as well the scan with the nuclear stress test will be influenced.
Listening to my body and the way it expresses itself through the tension as well the nerves system, it brings up memories of other experiences I had. Claustrophobia is something that comes up in the most weird moments, even when you don’t expect it. It creeps up on me, within my physical system, like the body cells are remembering the emotions that came with them initially. I can remember many lifetimes where trauma was inflicted while wearing a hood over my head, or being buried in a coffin, alive, as a test, which I probably failed. These deeply rooted memories within my cells are asking to be heard, loved, healed and released. It is a process, as well some sort of test, at least that’s how it feels to me.
Am I able to be calm and relaxed enough, that’s what I am wondering about. Not the graving for coffee or tea, the basics that are not allowed today. Yet these are also triggers which are making me aware of the process that is underlying. So today is today and this is my challenge. Not to worry about what is yet to come. Stay with the present, in the now moments, listening to some soothing music. Writing my thoughts and emotions and be fully with that now. No coffee will assist my body today to get more relaxed, because of the substance of caffeine. The rest is up to me, to make sure that I am feeling calm and comfortable today. Finding my inspiration where it comes up to me.
Today is today, tomorrow hasn’t come yet and yesterday is already gone. Reading up a quote by Buddha this morning about remembering bad experiences, will only keep you in these emotions. In order to find a way there is time for forgiveness, compassion as well love and kindness needed, towards oneself, as well to the impact the incidents had on my whole being. Lifting the energy instead of going down under so to speak. Which is my theme for today, and who needs coffee anyway to be in tune with this inner source of love and energy, freely and accessible.
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